Ohhh where do I start? I have had such a rough week with Malakai. He is trying to figure out what he likes, what he doesn't like. He doesn't understand how to express himself without being one of those, "Why did you bring him out in public?", children. Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic.. But well? We've had a bad week and I know that tomorrow is a new day, but to tell you the truth, I'm TERRIFIED to face tomorrow. I will do it and I will fight through another rough day if that's what it turns out to be but I'm scared. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and that I'm trying to take the, 'Trial and Error' affect. He knows how to push my buttons, but I don't know how to keep him from doing that.
No one ever told me that raising a CHILD would be this difficult. Everyone told me that raising a BABY would be difficult. I don't think I ever realized how much he would change and how fast he would grow up. I think that I'm a little bummed about the fact he'll be 3 this October! I have mixed feelings about him growing up. I really miss when he would just lay there quietly where I could kiss him and when he got hungry he'd cry so I'd feed him. I also miss when all he could do is sit up or lay down and I'd feed him 3 jars of bananas in one sitting. I want Malakai to grow up happy. Right now I don't feel like he's happy, so I'M not totally happy with myself as a mother. I'm sure all mom's go through this and I hope I'm not alone. But raising a child is HARD WORK. I love my little man to pieces and he always gives me those days I think to myself, "Awe, that's why I'm here. That's why I'm doing this difficult thing called parenting."
I wish I could go inside of his mind for 10 minutes, but then again I feel like I'd be on a rollercoaster because I'm telling you, that kid does NOT stop for 10 seconds. He will move on from watching his favorite T.V. episode to riding his bike to getting the milk out of the fridge to unlocking the door and running outside to getting out his puzzles or books, all within 5 minutes, easily. I feel like sometimes I wasn't cut out for this. I don't have the energy he has so how do I keep up with him? I have felt a little lost lately and I know that an epiphany will hit me soon and I'll figure out why I'm feeling this way. Maybe I will find out why he's acting out so badly and how I can handle it but for now, I am lost and on a journey to find what method of parenting is best for him. Maybe I just need to listen to what my heart is telling me and pray for some help.
5-25-2014 UPDATE - I had that blog sitting in my draft for probably almost a year. I honestly don't even remember that phase I went through with him! haha It's so funny to me that we as parents, have to fight through some days and even though we know it's difficult, we just keep putting ourselves through it. (If babies weren't so dang cute!!) No, I am so happy to have found this draft. Because it made me laugh and smile. We are dramatic in the moments our little terrors are on the loose trying to test our patience. I know a lot of my thoughts are irrational while going through hard times but I also know I pull out of it. We have to pull out of wherever we might go to cope with our crazy kids. We are supposed to help them learn different things socially, mentally, physically, spiritually and environmentally. It's so much work. I applaud all of you mothers out there. It is a hard responsibility but it has the most reward.
